Looking back at my first (First Day of a New Chapter) and recent posts (A Year Later and I Failed, The Top 5 Reasons Why), I am displaced by the emotions, questions, and confusion, both
professionally and personally. I hit a rough patch for 1ME but made the needed decisions to remove
the unnecessary stress points. On the personal side, I have experienced many
life changes this past year, such as selling my condo, moving to a different country, quitting a paying job, watching my mom get re-married,
giving a eulogy for my best friend, Jonathan, of 15+ years, and recently becoming
an Uncle. My professional and personal life has merged
into one as much as I have tried not to let each aspect affect the other. As a
result, I have been in state of blah (to simply put it) dealing with a
tremendous amount of stress and dark emotions which have been soften by happy moments. Every day has been a challenge and every night has been another
sleepless encounter.
As I wrap up my time and close the office here in India, I
have been trying to face the reality that this is the first time I will be home since
I left for Penn State. I am not ready to come home because I am not ready to
face this reality. I head out with Christian today, stopping in Delhi to check
out the Taj Mahal and other sites for a couple days. From there, we part ways
as he heads home and I buy a one way ticket to somewhere. After working
literally every day for the company since I decided to do it full-time, I’m mentally exhausted. After leaving home 13 years ago and have no choice but to
return, I’m at a lost.
Those that know me, know that I rather work than play, giving up hanging out with friends and attending events. Even at
social events, I am always talking about the next opportunity and sharing new
ideas. Rarely, I share my personal life because there was nothing to share. It
was one in same, my work life. This has changed recently as the two life aspects take on
a life of its own with its complications and then merging together and creating
a chaotic mess in my head.
First, I need to find a better direction with my company. I
need to stop the financial bleeding or go back to the corporate world, which means
all the risks I have taken would be for nothing. I need to find that answer.
In parallel, I need to find peace with myself that Jonathan
will not be there when I come home. We have spent almost every day together for
2 years leading to my departure to Penn State and almost every day together
when I would come home to visit. He was the one person that I saw first
when I got home. He was the one person that allowed me to forget about the
stress that was life. He was the one person that made home a place for me to
exist in. Now that is gone. His birthday is around the corner and it would be
the first time in 13 years that I would be home for it. I honestly cannot remember the last time I even celebrated it, how is sad is that? So why start now? I have lost
that chance forever.
Grief is a multifaceted response to loss and the goal is to reorganize one’s life, so
the loss is an important part of life rather than its center. I need to take
some time to grieve and find peace in my heart (personally) and in my mind
(professionally). I can best describe it in words from one my favorite
songs, "I wanna feel the car crash, 'Cause I'm dyin' on the inside, I wanna let go and know that I'll be alright." There is an answer out there, I just need to find it. I want to smile again, where a smile is not hiding grief, disappointment, and stress.
Thank you for your support this past year, I will never
forget those that stood by me, supported me, and have turned their backs to me. We will talk soon when I start the next chapter of this startup venture, but for now, I'm saying goodbye.
You always have a home here Tommy.
ReplyDeleteTouching post. I am humbled by your growth from this year (personal and professional). Thank you for sharing. Those of us lucky enough to share in your thoughts have grown as well.
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